On Dialysis

The first time I heard the word Dialysis I was 16 years old. I had gone to the doctor with flu symptoms, when I didn't get better the doctor ran tests and found that my kidneys were failing. Not one but both.
The words Dialysis, Transplantation, Fistulas and Rejection were swirling in my head and soon became part of my daily vocabulary.
My mami said "I'll give you one of mine, I will make it all better" For the first time in my life I yelled at my mother telling her I didn't want her kidney, I wanted mines to work.



And so it began my love hate relationship with a machine. It took 4 years for my kidneys to fail completely. I was 21 on an April day in 1984 when I began the process of Dialysis. I had treatments for 6 months then I recieved my first kidney transplant. A mediocre kidney the doctor called it he gave it at most 3 years. 3 1/2 years of struggles in and out of the hospital with infections and rejection episodes. Another year back on Dialysis and then another kidney transplant that lasted 12 years. I am thankful for those 12 years as I left the hospital and was in good health for the life of the kidney I was only back to the doctor for my check ups.
In May of 2001 I returned to revisit my old friend, we have been together for the last 10 years. There are days I don't want to go to the clinic, I rebel and say I am not going but in the end I pack my bag and pillow and off I go.

The toughest days are those when I go to the clinic and there is an empty chair and you know by the quiet in the waiting room that someone has passed away.
Sometimes my fistula doesn't work and I have to have repairs done to make it work again. The last arm surgery was very painful and my arm was unrecognizable.











Sometimes while the arm heals a Dialysis Catheter is placed in my chest it is uncomfortable and itches something terrible. Not the best way to have dialysis as the line goes directly into the jugular vein and infections are very common. Can't take a shower or get it wet.











I like to think of myself not as someone who is tied to Dialysis but as a person living and enjoying life who happens to go to Dialysis. The process has given me the gift of Life, precious moments with those I love, the ability to enjoy my garden, crochet and all the little things we sometimes take for granted. I am remembering to laugh loudly and smile often, to gaze at the moon when it's full, to savor every kiss as if it was my last one.

Many have told me that they could not live my life but I feel we never know what we are capable of until we come to certain crossroads in our lives. All of us have more courage and reciliency than we give ourselves credit for.
I plan to be visiting this old friend for a very long time, I know our friendship will have it's ups and down but we will see it through, after all this friend is my lifeline and my very heartbeat.